The Orgasm Gap: Reclaiming Pleasure as a Spiritual Practice

The Orgasm Gap: Reclaiming Pleasure as a Spiritual Practice
Mar 25

You know that moment, when you’re having sex and everything looks fine on the outside... but inside, you’re already gone?

Your smile is polite. Your breath is shallow. Your body is tense.
You might even make a little noise because that’s what you’ve been taught to do.
But your body? She’s quiet.
Not because she can’t speak, but because she’s learned not to.

It feels nice. Your partner is doing all the right things. But you’re detached.

This is how the orgasm gap lives in us.
Not just in statistics, but in habits. In silence. In the slow forgetting of our own wild.

We live in a world where women's pleasure is still treated like dessert.
Nice to have, but not essential. We’re taught to perform sex, not feel it. To be beautiful, desirable, responsive… but not wildly, unapologetically orgasmic.

And while wellness culture approaches the subject with a masculine fixing mindset, selling us solutions like products, apps, and aphrodisiacs, few are asking the deeper question:

What if orgasm isn’t something to achieve,
but something to remember?

The Orgasm Gap Is Real, But Not Inevitable

You may have heard the term before: the orgasm gap refers to the consistent disparity in orgasm frequency between men and women, especially in heterosexual encounters.

In one large-scale study:

• 95% of heterosexual men reported “usually or always” climaxing during sex

• But for heterosexual women, 50% are inorgasmic—meaning they do not experience orgasm at all

• Of the remaining 50%, only half are reliably orgasmic. The rest may or may not climax, depending on the situation

• Lesbian women? 89%. A striking clue that presence, communication, and understanding the female body matter far more than we’ve been taught

“We’ve normalized women not orgasming in partnered sex,” says Dr. Laurie Mintz, sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate.
“We don’t question it. But we should, because women’s pleasure is not inherently elusive. It’s simply been neglected.”

Disconnection, Not Dysfunction

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about broken bodies.
This is about a system that never taught women—or men—how women’s pleasure works.

Only in recent decades has the clitoris been properly studied in medical literature. Even now, most sex education fails to teach young people that the clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings, is the center of female sexual pleasure, and exists solely for that purpose.

In one recent survey:

• Over 70% of women admitted to faking orgasms

• Nearly half said they felt “rushed” or pressured to climax quickly

• And only 1 in 4 felt fully attuned to their own erotic needs

These aren’t statistics about performance.
They’re stories about disconnection.

Orgasm as a Spiritual Portal

In Tantra, orgasm is not a finish line. It’s a gateway.
It’s a softening into the body. A sacred undoing of the places we’ve learned to brace, silence, or disappear ourselves.

True orgasm—deep, rippling, holy—requires safety, trust, and time.
It isn’t coaxed with pressure and friction. It blooms in presence.

“Most women’s bodies need 20 to 40 minutes to fully awaken to arousal,” says somatic sexologist and trauma educator Kimberly Ann Johnson.
“But most sex ends before a woman has even settled into her own breath.”

This is why your orgasm may feel elusive when your body is rushing, when your mind is scanning, when your nervous system is on alert.
It’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because your body is wise.

Orgasm isn’t a goal. It’s a response.
To love. To attunement. To the sacredness of being fully met.

And yet… if orgasm is a response, what are we responding to?

Is it friction, pressure, urgency?
Or is it depth, slowness, safety, surrender?

To answer that, we need to go deeper than the statistics.
We need to explore the landscapes of the body that most of us were never taught to map.
Because beyond the orgasm gap, beyond the scripts we’ve inherited, there are hidden temples of pleasure—mystical, measurable, and wildly under-explored.

The G-Spot and Cervical Orgasm: Myth, Mystery, and Measurable Magic

What Science Says About the G-Spot

The G-spot, named (controversially) after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, has been both celebrated and dismissed in medical literature. Some researchers argue it's a distinct structure. Others say it’s not a “spot” at all, but rather an internal extension of the clitoral complex.

Key findings:

• A 2012 study using ultrasound imaging confirmed a thicker urethrovaginal space in women who report vaginal orgasms, supporting the G-spot’s anatomical reality for some

• The G-spot isn’t a separate organ—it’s thought to be a network of erectile tissue, including parts of the clitoris, urethra, and vaginal wall

• Not every woman experiences G-spot pleasure the same way—and lack of sensation is not dysfunction. It’s simply variation

“The so-called G-spot is real, but it's not a magic button. It’s part of a broader arousal system,” says Dr. Helen O'Connell, the first surgeon to map the full internal structure of the clitoris in 2005.

This is huge: the internal clitoris is shaped like a wishbone, with legs (crura) and bulbs that wrap around the vaginal canal—so G-spot stimulation may actually be accessing the deep clitoral network.

In Tantric Practice:

The G-spot is considered a gateway of emotional release. Stimulating it can unlock weeping, shaking, laughter—energetic clearing stored in the pelvic bowl. Some even refer to it as the "sacred spring" because of its connection to female ejaculation and raw vulnerability.

Cervical Orgasm: The Holy Grail or Deep Nervous System Trust?

Now this is where the mystical meets the anatomical.

The cervix is the lower part of the uterus, and it’s rich with nerve endings—especially the pelvic, hypogastric, and vagus nerves. It’s one of the few places in the body that bypasses the spinal cord and connects directly to the brainstem via the vagus nerve—the same nerve involved in trauma healing, bonding, and deep parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) states.

What research says:

• The vagus nerve connection is unique to the cervix and uterus, allowing for a kind of non-linear, full-body orgasm that can happen even in women with spinal cord injuries

• Some studies suggest cervical stimulation can trigger oxytocin release, facilitating bonding, love, and even altered states of consciousness

• Cervical orgasms are less common—not because they’re rare, but because the cervix is often guarded, especially if there’s a history of trauma, tension, or emotional armoring

“The cervix is like a spiritual gatekeeper. It asks us to slow down, open, and surrender—not to chase pleasure, but to allow it,” writes somatic sexologist and author Michaela Boehm.

Tantric View:

In Tantra, the cervix is the yoni’s third gate—the innermost temple.

• Clitoral orgasm = fire

• G-spot orgasm = water

• Cervical orgasm = space or ether

Cervical orgasms are often associated with visions, emotional release, and spontaneous kriyas (body tremors or energy movements). They're less about contraction and more about expansion—what many describe as “being made love to by the universe.”

Most women were never taught that these portals even existed—let alone how to access them.
And perhaps even more radically, we were never taught that our erotic power is a source of spiritual, emotional, and personal sovereignty.

That’s why reclaiming orgasm isn’t about performance.
It’s about coming home.

The Feminist Power of Coming Home

When a woman begins to experience her orgasm as a form of self-return, everything shifts.

She stops performing and starts feeling.
She replaces anxiety with curiosity.
She unhooks her worth from someone else’s pleasure and roots it in her own breath, sound, and internal rhythm.

“Female pleasure is political,” says activist and author adrienne maree brown.
“It’s one of the most subversive acts to prioritize your joy in a culture that profits off your self-denial.”

And the ripple effect is measurable.
Women who report regular, connected orgasms also report:

• Greater confidence in public speaking and leadership

• Lower rates of anxiety and depression

• Improved sleep, immune function, and hormonal balance

• Higher levels of self-trust and intuitive clarity

This is not luxury.
This is embodied power.

How to Begin the Return

If you’ve been faking, freezing, or just feeling numb—start with compassion.
Your body is not behind. Your pleasure is not a problem to solve.

Start here:

• Create a safe, unhurried space for daily pleasure—no goal, no performance

• Breathe deeply, making sound on your exhale to signal safety to your body

• Rock your hips

• Let your hands explore without expectation

• Ask: “What wants to be felt right now?”

Notice where you grip. Where you go silent. Where you stop breathing. These are not failures—they are maps.

And if you’re ready to explore orgasm not just as release, but as spiritual technology, welcome to the path of sacred sensuality.

Because your orgasm is not just about sex.
It’s about sovereignty.
And coming home to your full, radiant, unapologetic self.

Want support in unlocking your full erotic expression?
I offer private sessions, body-based healing, and immersive retreats designed for women who are ready to reclaim their pleasure as power.
https://calendar.app.google/MFwYBtMPE1wJtpkN9

5 Simple Tantra Practices for Better Sex

5 Simple Tantra Practices for Better Sex

Tantra isn’t just about sex—it’s about deepening connection, presence, and pleasure in every moment. When applied to physical intimacy, Tantra helps you cultivate deeper awareness, heightened sensitivity, and a more profound connection with your partner (or yourself). Here are five simple Tantra practices to elevate your sex life:

What is Tantra and How Does it Improve Sex?

Tantra is an ancient spiritual tradition that originated in India and Tibet over 5,000 years ago. It integrates breathwork, movement, meditation, and sacred touch to cultivate heightened awareness and deeper intimacy. The word “tantra” is sanskrit for “weave”, or “expand”.

Unlike conventional sexual techniques, Tantra isn’t focused solely on orgasm but rather on experiencing expanded states of pleasure, connection, and spiritual awakening.

By incorporating Tantra into your sex life, you can:

1. Increased Self-Awareness and Presence:

• Mindfulness Beyond the Bedroom: Tantra emphasizes deep presence in the moment, whether in meditation, breathwork, or physical touch. This mindfulness spills over into daily life, increasing your ability to be fully present with what you're doing and with others. The practice helps you step out of autopilot and into a more conscious, engaged experience of life.

• Heightened Awareness of Body and Energy: Tantra helps you become more attuned to your body’s sensations and energy, which can improve your physical health, enhance your self-care practices, and foster a deeper connection with your environment.

2. Improved Emotional Intelligence and Communication:

• Authentic Emotional Expression: Tantra encourages you to express emotions freely and authentically, both within relationships and in personal interactions. This can lead to stronger emotional intelligence, making you better at reading, understanding, and responding to the emotions of others.

• Enhanced Communication Skills: Tantra also emphasizes conscious communication, teaching you to speak and listen with more intention. This allows for deeper, more meaningful conversations, fostering connection and resolving conflict more effectively.

3. Increased Confidence and Personal Empowerment:

• Reclaiming Your Power: Tantra helps you reconnect with your inner power and divinity, making you feel more confident, self-assured, and grounded in your life. By tapping into your sexual energy, you also tap into a vital force that drives creativity, personal growth, and leadership.

• Empowerment in Other Relationships: The principles of tantra encourage non-judgmental acceptance, which can transform your approach to both personal and professional relationships. You may find that you’re better able to lead, inspire, and support others from a place of confidence and compassion.

4. Deeper Connection to Creativity and Flow:

• Creative Energy: Since tantra is often described as the art of expanding and circulating sexual energy, it also fuels creativity. The same life force energy that drives your sexual experience can be channeled into creative projects, helping you approach work or artistic expression with more energy and enthusiasm.

• Flow State in Daily Life: Tantra teaches how to remain in the present moment, which is crucial for achieving flow in any task—whether it's work, art, or even hobbies. The more you practice tantra, the more you train your mind to stay in a state of flow, which enhances productivity and satisfaction.

5. Balanced Mind-Body Connection:

• Better Stress Management: The relaxation techniques from tantra—such as conscious breathing and meditation—can be used in everyday life to manage stress and stay calm in difficult situations. The ability to regulate your nervous system helps you stay composed in high-pressure moments, whether at work or in personal life.

• Improved Health and Vitality: By enhancing the circulation of energy through the body, tantra can promote greater physical vitality. Many practitioners report feeling more energized and healthier overall, as the practices of tantra encourage balanced energy flow, deep relaxation, and improved body awareness.

6. More Meaningful and Fulfilling Relationships:

• Stronger Emotional Intimacy: Tantra fosters a deep sense of emotional intimacy, which can enhance all types of relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic. As you practice tantra with a partner, you build a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and mutual respect, which creates a richer, more connected experience in all relationships.

• Non-Sexual Intimacy: The emotional and energetic connection you build through tantra goes far beyond physical touch. You learn how to connect deeply with others on a spiritual and emotional level, allowing for more meaningful bonds and a greater sense of community.

7. Enhanced Leadership and Personal Growth:

• Self-Mastery: Tantra promotes the cultivation of self-discipline, patience, and awareness—skills that are key to personal growth and leadership. Through tantra, you become more attuned to your inner guidance, helping you make more conscious decisions that align with your values and goals.

• Spiritual Growth: Tantra's spiritual practices help to cultivate a sense of connection with the divine, with the universe, and with your higher self. This spiritual awakening can lead to greater clarity in all areas of your life, enabling you to step into leadership roles with confidence and grace.

8. Increased Resilience and Emotional Balance:

• Better Handling of Challenges: Tantra’s teachings on embracing all aspects of life, including challenges, help you build emotional resilience. You learn to stay grounded and balanced in the face of difficulties, knowing that everything is part of your larger spiritual journey.

• Transcending Limitations: Tantra encourages the release of limiting beliefs and emotional blocks. As you work through old patterns and unprocessed trauma, you become more capable of handling life’s ups and downs with ease, transforming obstacles into opportunities for growth.

9. Spiritual Connection and Expanded Consciousness:

• Awakening Higher Consciousness: Tantra is deeply spiritual, and practitioners often experience expanded consciousness, heightened intuition, and a sense of oneness with the universe. This expanded awareness allows you to move through life with a sense of purpose, presence, and connection to something greater than yourself.

In summary, tantra’s core principles—such as presence, mindfulness, energy cultivation, and conscious connection—transform not only your sexual and romantic life but also your approach to health, creativity, leadership, relationships, and spiritual growth. These benefits can ripple out, improving your overall quality of life and supporting you in becoming the best version of yourself.

Personal Story Placeholder:

My first Tantric experience wasn’t intentional.   I was 17 and my boyfriend at the time and I had a hard to describe multidimensional sexual experience.   It was wild.   We felt as if our bodies disappeared, that we traveled through dimensions together, that our personalities were gone. It was only our souls woven together in a beautiful and very intense moment.   Neither of us knew what had just happened, and that’s when I found Skydancer Tantra and discovered some of the techniques that I still teach and practice 35 years later.

Little did I know this would become my life’s work, teaching individuals and couples how to embrace the art and science of tantra to activate their own innate creativity, magic and passion into every area of their lives.   

Now, let’s dive into just five of the foundational Tantra practices that can transform your sex life.

1. Breathe Together

Tantric sex begins far before the bedroom, and with the breath.   Our lives begin and end with the breath

Breath is the foundation of Tantra. Before you touch each other, sit face to face, close your eyes, and sync your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth, matching the rhythm of your partner. This simple practice creates instant connection, relaxes the nervous system, and heightens awareness of each other’s energy.

We’re in such a hurry these days that we forget simple moments with our partners (and ourselves!).  Maybe there’s only time to breathe together rather than making love.   Great!   You’re connecting hearts, slowing down the criticism parts of our brains.   

1. Synchronizing Breath to Harmonize Energy and Emotions:

• Neural Regulation: When we synchronize our breath—such as with practices like conscious, controlled breathing or pranayama—it helps regulate the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which controls involuntary functions like heart rate, digestion, and respiratory rate. By consciously controlling the breath, we activate the vagus nerve, which is a key part of the parasympathetic nervous system (the "rest and digest" system). This can help calm the body and mind, fostering emotional balance and a sense of inner harmony.

• Emotional Regulation: By bringing breath under conscious control, we can influence emotional states. Slow, rhythmic breathing tends to lower stress levels by reducing cortisol, the body's stress hormone, and boosting endorphins and serotonin, which are associated with improved mood and well-being. The brain can shift from a reactive, fight-or-flight state (sympathetic) to a calmer, more centered state (parasympathetic), making it easier to navigate emotional challenges.

2. Alternating Breath to Balance the Brain and Masculine/Feminine Energies:

• Brain Hemisphere Balance: Alternating nostril breathing (Nadi Shodhana) has been shown to balance the activity of the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The left side of the brain is typically associated with logic, reason, and the masculine qualities of action and structure. The right side is linked to intuition, creativity, and the feminine qualities of receptivity and fluidity. By alternating breaths through each nostril, this practice can help harmonize these brain functions, creating a more balanced, integrated state of mind.

• Autonomic Nervous System Balance: The alternating breath also has a balancing effect on the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is related to the "fight or flight" response (action and alertness), while the parasympathetic system is related to rest, recovery, and relaxation. Alternating nostril breathing helps toggle between these two states, promoting a sense of equilibrium and calm. This balance is also reflected in the interplay between masculine (active, outward-focused) and feminine (receptive, inward-focused) energies, helping integrate these qualities within the individual.

3. Deep Breathing Activates the Parasympathetic Nervous System:

• Stress Reduction and Relaxation: Deep, slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for calming the body down after stress. This process is known as the "rest and digest" mode, which counteracts the "fight or flight" response of the sympathetic nervous system. In this relaxed state, heart rate and blood pressure lower, muscles relax, and the body begins to repair and restore itself.

4. Shifting Focus from the Mind to the Body, Increasing Presence:

• Embodiment: When we consciously focus on our breath, it serves as an anchor, drawing attention away from distracting thoughts and bringing us into the present moment. This shift from a busy, overwhelmed mind to the present experience in the body promotes mindfulness and a state of heightened awareness. By shifting the focus to the breath, we tap into a deeper, more grounded state of consciousness, which can promote greater clarity, peace, and presence.

• Neuroscientific Perspective: When we engage in deep breathing, it activates areas of the brain associated with self-regulation, such as the prefrontal cortex, which governs executive functions like decision-making and impulse control. The amygdala, also becomes less active when we focus on the breath.

In summary, breathwork helps us achieve a balance between different aspects of our physiology and psychology. It calms the nervous system, enhances emotional regulation, fosters presence, and balances the energies within us. The neuroscience behind it reveals how deeply interconnected our breath is with our mental and emotional health, making breathwork an incredibly effective tool for overall well-being.

Try This: Sit in a comfortable position, facing each other, and gently hold hands. Breathe from the diaphragm, inhale through your nose, and exhale through your mouth.  

As you inhale and exhale together, imagine a golden thread connecting your breath to your partner’s, weaving you into a deeper connection.

Extra Credit: Sit closer together, almost touching.  Feel the electricity between the two of you.   Alternate your breaths; Inhale through your nose while your partner exhales through their mouth, exhale through your mouth while your partner inhales through their nose.  

If you like, touch foreheads while you breathe (the yogis call this ‘3rd eye kiss’)

This is a practice I started doing with a partner and as soon as we got past the awkwardness it was something we did every day.  Even just for a few minutes it’s a way to connect and remind ourselves that it’s the two of us together facing any issues or problems that life offer us.

The results were profound and that’s when I started teaching this to everyone.   

2. Slow Everything Down

Tantric intimacy is about savoring, weaving and expanding every sensation. Instead of rushing into penetration or orgasm, focus on slowing down every movement—kissing, touching, even eye contact. When you move with intention, you increase anticipation, intensify pleasure, and deepen intimacy.

Why It Works:

1. Activation of the Parasympathetic Nervous System:

• Rest-and-Digest State: When you slow things down—whether through deep breathing, mindful touch, or intentional pauses—you activate the parasympathetic nervous system. 

• Neurobiological Effects: When you're in parasympathetic mode, the brain releases neurotransmitters like acetylcholine that help to calm the body and reduce stress. This helps you to be more present, relaxed, and in tune with the experience instead of rushing toward a goal (e.g., orgasm or an outcome).

• Increased Blood Flow to Genitals: The parasympathetic response also supports increased blood flow to the sexual organs, which can enhance pleasure and sensation.

2. Dopamine Regulation:

• The Anticipation Effect: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter often associated with reward and pleasure. When you slow things down, the brain experiences more of an anticipatory pleasure response, rather than an immediate one. This builds excitement and pleasure over time, as the body learns to savor the moments leading up to the climax.

• Lowering Dopamine Desensitization: Rapid, goal-oriented behavior, including in sexual encounters, can lead to desensitization of dopamine receptors, causing a constant need for more intense stimulation. Slowing down helps maintain sensitivity to pleasure by preventing overloading the brain’s reward system.

3. Mirror Neurons and Emotional Synchronization:

• Deep Connection and Resonance: Slowing down allows you and your partner to be more aware of each other’s emotions and bodily sensations. Mirror neurons in the brain help individuals "mirror" each other’s emotional states. By slowing down, you're more likely to synchronize your emotional and physical responses, creating a deeper bond and resonance.

• Calm Emotional State: When you are calm, this emotional balance extends into your body, and the slower pace allows for greater emotional awareness and trust between you and your partner.

4. Reduction of Cortisol (Stress Hormone):

• Lowering Anxiety: Slowing down helps reduce the release of cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone. High levels of cortisol can interfere with sexual pleasure, arousal, and emotional connection. A slower, more mindful approach helps keep cortisol levels under control, allowing for more relaxation and enjoyment.

• Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Mindfulness practices, which often involve slowing down and being present, have been shown to reduce cortisol levels significantly. This reduction in stress allows the body to focus on the present moment, enhancing pleasure.

5. Enhanced Brainwave Activity:

• Alpha and Theta Waves: Slowing down, particularly through deep breathing, gaze, and touch, encourages the brain to shift from fast beta waves (associated with stress, anxiety, and focus) to slower alpha waves (relaxation, calmness, presence) and even theta waves (deep relaxation, meditative states).

• Synchronizing Mental and Physical States: These slower brainwaves support the body’s ability to be in sync with the mind, allowing individuals to fully experience the sensations in their body and the connection with their partner.

By slowing things down, you’re allowing your brain to engage in a more balanced state, maximizing presence, pleasure, and emotional connection. The slower pace doesn’t just change the tempo; it fundamentally changes the way your brain experiences and processes pleasure, enhancing intimacy and satisfaction.

Try This: The next time you are planning to be intimate, for the whole day, intentionally slow down your pace.  Savour your coffee, smell the Tom Ka soup, smell your child’s hair.   Enjoy the sun on your face, buy some flowers or smell a flower on your way to work.   Take a couple of extra seconds in the day to savour what you can.   

Then, later when you’re with your partner, continue to take it slowly.  Take time to explore your partner’s body with your hands, lips, and breath. Take the time to appreciate every touch and whisper they give you.   Notice every reaction and respond with presence rather than rushing.

One of my teachers said, “go slow to go fast” meaning the more time we can take being the observer, and being present, there’s time for intuition, presence, passion to emerge.   

I have a client who came to me, frustrated with premature ejaculation.   When he was with a partner it was over so fast he was embarrassed, his partner frustrated and it had gotten to the point where he didn’t know what to do.  Pills, hypnosis, pre-gaming, different partners, distraction, nothing seemed to work.  He was a busy man, reached a level of success and yet could not last.  

We started first with the breath.  Diaphragmatic breathing, alternate nostril breathing.  

Then we started with “take it slow”.  Instead of aiming for a sexual experience or orgasm just focus on giving, and receiving pleasure.   There is a lot of pressure on men to be a certain way, look a certain way, take charge yet be tender, be strong but soft.  Be great lovers, listeners and emotionally available, even mind readers.   

We explored some of the thoughts he’d been pushing down for years.  

• “I feel pressure to perform and worry about not being ‘good enough.’”

• “I don’t know how to slow down and make intimacy more connected.”

• “I want to last longer, but I get too excited or anxious.”

• “I’m not sure if she’s really enjoying herself or just going along with it.”

Slowly, over many months of working together , we dismantled what he knew of sex and sexuality.   He felt comfortable expressing himself, receiving pleasure, being confident in the pleasure he gave, and even gave up having “moves” into being able to intuit what a situation needed, lose inhibition and sexually be free.  

The pattern broke and he’s able to be with his partner in every way.  Sometimes that’s 30 minutes, sometimes a few minutes, sometimes hours.   

3. Eye Gazing

Eye contact is one of the most intimate and vulnerable practices in Tantra. Before or during lovemaking, take a moment to gaze into your partner’s eyes without speaking. Hold the gaze for at least a minute, breathing deeply. This builds trust, dissolves barriers, and creates an unspoken emotional connection that makes physical intimacy even more profound.

Why It Works:

Eye gazing has profound effects on the brain, activating neural pathways that enhance emotional connection, trust, and even arousal. The neuroscience behind eye gazing reveals why prolonged eye contact can feel so intimate and transformative.

• The mirror neuron system allows us to empathize by "mirroring" the emotions and energy of the person we are gazing at.

• Prolonged eye contact increases the release of oxytocin, the hormone responsible for trust, bonding, and emotional closeness.

• Studies show that mutual eye contact can synchronize brain activity between two people, creating a state of deep rapport.

• This synchronization enhances empathy, nonverbal communication, and a shared emotional experience.

• This effect is why lovers often feel mesmerized by each other’s gaze—it literally activates the same pathways as addictive pleasure.

• Soft, relaxed eye gazing can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, leading to relaxation and deeper presence.

• This is why slow, conscious eye contact can shift a person into a meditative or heart-centered state.

• When people feel aroused or emotionally engaged, their pupils naturally dilate.

• This effect subconsciously signals attraction and interest, making eye gazing a powerful tool in romantic and sexual connection.

• Eye gazing bypasses verbal communication, creating a direct energetic and emotional link.

• It triggers hormonal, neural, and physiological responses that heighten intimacy.

• When done intentionally, it can deepen love, trust, and sexual magnetism—which is why it’s such a core practice in Tantra.

Try This: Before beginning intimacy, sit close to your partner, face to face, and gaze into each other’s eyes for at least two minutes without speaking. If it feels uncomfortable, breathe through it—this practice reveals deeper layers of connection.

I had been in many courses and programs that taught eye gazing.  For me it was always nice, maybe a little awkward but nothing profound, until I was in a retreat I had prepared for 10 months to be in.   

The woman leading the retreat was someone I didn’t know very well yet but respected.  We met with this master for 2 minutes each, and since then this is something I do in every retreat.  I looked into her eyes and the world opened up.  It was as if I was traveling out of my body through her eyes through time.  I felt as if I was that 17-year-old having tantric sex again.  I felt seen, understood, loved, cherished and that anything was possible.   Issues or concerns I had vanished and there was only love.  

This is probably an extreme example but I still remember her eyes, and the depth and life and width and universes that were in her eyes.  Later I was with my partner at the time and the same love, power, passion, and light was in his eyes.   That’s when he and I started eye gazing even just for a minute in the hallway while we were on our way to work as a way to connect, to activate intimacy and connection, and to anticipate being together later in the day.  

4. Sound Your Pleasure

Vocal expression is a powerful way to enhance pleasure. Instead of holding back, allow yourself to sigh, moan, laugh, or even hum with pleasure. This not only helps release tension but also amplifies the sensations in your body. Encourage your partner to do the same—it creates a loop of arousal, intimacy and deeper connection.

Why It Works:

• Reduced Inhibition via the Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, which regulates self-control and social inhibition, becomes less active when vocal expression is encouraged in a safe environment. This allows for a more authentic, uninhibited expression of pleasure without overthinking or self-censoring.  

• Vagus Nerve Activation & Relaxation: Vocalization (moaning, sighing, deep breathing) stimulates the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to the body and plays a key role in activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This reduces stress and tension, increasing pleasure sensitivity.

• Dopamine & Reward Pathways: Expressing pleasure through sound can trigger dopamine release in the brain’s reward system, reinforcing pleasure and making sexual experiences feel more immersive and satisfying.

• Oxytocin Release & Emotional Bonding: Using your voice during intimacy—through words, sounds, or deep breathing—triggers the release of oxytocin, the "bonding hormone." This fosters emotional connection and a deeper sense of trust between partners.

• Auditory-Motor Coupling & Synchronization: Studies show that when people vocalize together (such as during sex, meditation, or singing), their brainwave activity synchronizes, strengthening a felt sense of connection.

• Amygdala & Emotional Processing: The amygdala, which regulates fear and emotional safety, detects vocal expression as a sign of trust and openness. This reduces performance anxiety and creates a deeper emotional resonance between partners.

Try This: During intimacy, experiment with making sounds of pleasure, even if they are soft. Notice how it changes your experience, arousal levels, joy, connection even the intensity of orgasm.  

I worked with a woman who wanted to feel everything.  She had a great life, business, husband, kids, but she couldn’t feel anymore.   She had been inorgasmic with her partner for years, but alone she could quickly orgasm with a vibrator.  

We started with all the steps above; breath, slow, eye gazing.  Then when we were talking about pleasure and expressing herself she remembered something from growing up.  One night she heard her parents making love.  She was mortified, one that she could hear it, and two that she didn’t really understand what was happening.  As she became an adult and mother a part of her was worried about doing the same thing to her kids.  Her pleasure was stolen for moments in the middle of the day; quick and quiet where she would never be discovered.  It felt shameful to her, and she was pretending with her husband.  Everything about her felt tense, even her voice in a tight vocal fry.  

Connecting pleasure from the second chakra to the voice in the 5th chakra is a powerful process.  

Catie started to explore when she moved her pelvis to sigh, to connect taste and touch and sight and textures to pleasure.  We gave her permission while no one else was in the house to open her throat and sigh, laugh, cry, and moan.  The intensity of her self-pleasure session increased.  Then we moved on to intimacy with her husband and how she could safely express herself.  With a fan, with music, and sleepovers at their kids’ friends' houses, she slowly became more comfortable feeling with her husband, then connecting her movements, her voice and his voice together.   Their sex life blossomed, she started saying things she never felt she could before, and her vocal fry softened into a deep throaty very sexy alto.  

5. Explore Sensory Awakening

Bring all your senses into the experience. Use silky fabrics, scented oils, soft music, or even blindfolds to heighten awareness. Pay attention to every touch, taste, and scent, letting yourself fully experience each sensation without distraction. The more present you are in your body, the more pleasure you’ll feel.

Why It Works:

1. Engages Multiple Senses for Heightened Pleasure

• Multisensory Integration in the Brain: The somatosensory cortex, olfactory cortex, and auditory cortex work together to process touch, scent, sound, and taste. When multiple senses are stimulated simultaneously, the brain’s pleasure perception intensifies, creating a more immersive and heightened experience.

• Thalamus & Sensory Processing: The thalamus acts as the brain’s "sensory relay station," integrating information from different sensory modalities. This allows for a richer, more layered experience of intimacy.

• Dopamine & Novelty: Engaging new textures, scents, or sounds activates the dopaminergic reward system, which responds to novelty and excitement. This increases anticipation, arousal, and pleasure.

2. Creates New and Exciting Ways to Experience Intimacy

• Neuroplasticity & Sensory Rewiring: The brain’s ability to adapt (neuroplasticity) means that introducing new sensory inputs (like a blindfold or silk) strengthens new neural connections associated with pleasure. Over time, this can expand your capacity for arousal and deepen sensory awareness.

• Amygdala & Safety Perception: Novel sensory experiences, when introduced in a safe and consensual environment, help the amygdala process new stimuli as pleasurable rather than threatening, allowing for deeper relaxation and arousal.

3. Helps Deepen Presence and Focus During Sex

• Engages the Default Mode Network (DMN) & Focuses Attention: The DMN, responsible for mind-wandering, is deactivated during highly immersive sensory experiences. This shifts the brain into a state of deep focus and presence, making pleasure more intense and prolonged.

• Parasympathetic Activation & Relaxation: Sensory engagement stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress hormones (cortisol) and enhancing oxytocin release, deepening feelings of connection and relaxation.

Try This: Engage All Five Senses to Heighten Pleasure and Intimacy

1. Use Essential Oils or Massage Candles to Engage Scent

• Olfactory Pathways & Limbic System Activation: The olfactory system is directly connected to the limbic system, the brain’s emotional center. This means that scents can trigger immediate emotional responses—calming, exciting, or arousing. Scents like lavender, jasmine, or sandalwood can lower stress levels by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, while sensual or exotic scents like ylang-ylang or rose can increase sexual desire by stimulating the release of dopamine and oxytocin.

• Memory & Association: Certain fragrances can evoke memories or associations, deepening emotional connection. This can help create positive emotional triggers during intimacy, making the experience feel even more emotionally resonant.

2. Incorporate Different Textures, Like Silk or Feathers, to Tease the Skin

• Somatosensory Cortex & Pleasure Mapping: The somatosensory cortex in the brain processes tactile sensations from the skin. Textures like silk or feathers stimulate different types of nerve endings, including Meissner’s corpuscles (for light touch) and Pacinian corpuscles (for vibration and pressure), which can send signals to the brain that enhance pleasure and arousal.

• Heightened Sensitivity & Endorphin Release: Soft, gentle touches activate C-tactile afferents, a specialized set of nerve fibers that respond to slow, soothing touch and can lead to the release of endorphins (the brain’s natural feel-good chemicals). These sensations not only feel pleasurable but can also induce a relaxed, euphoric state, deepening intimacy.

3. Play Sensual Music to Set the Mood and Awaken Deeper Sensory Experiences

• Auditory Cortex & Emotional Response: Music directly impacts the auditory cortex and can influence emotional states by triggering the release of dopamine, which is involved in pleasure and motivation. Sensual or slow-tempo music activates the parasympathetic nervous system, slowing heart rate and inducing relaxation, making it easier to become fully present and engaged in the moment.

• Rhythmic Synchronization & Movement: Music with a steady rhythm or slow beat can help synchronize the brainwaves and even the body’s movements, leading to more harmonious sensory experiences. As your body syncs with the rhythm of the music, it can feel like you're more in tune with your partner, heightening the sense of mutual connection.

4. Incorporate Taste for Full Sensory Immersion

• Gustatory Cortex & Arousal: The gustatory cortex, responsible for taste, is closely linked to the limbic system, and the act of tasting something pleasurable can also enhance feelings of arousal and connection.

• Shared Experience & Bonding: Sharing food or drinks during intimacy can engage a sense of shared experience, fostering deeper emotional intimacy. The pleasure derived from taste can enhance the overall sensory experience, making it more complete and immersive. Think of incorporating chocolate, fruit, or even flavored oils into your intimacy practice for added enjoyment.

5. Introduce Visual Stimulation Through Sensual Lighting or Blindfolds

• Visual Cortex & Anticipation: The visual cortex processes the images we see, and visual stimuli like dim lighting or seductive visuals can activate areas of the brain associated with anticipation and arousal. Subtle lighting or even sensual imagery can evoke feelings of attraction, excitement, and deep connection.

• Blindfolding & Sensory Heightening: Blindfolding removes visual input, forcing the brain to rely more heavily on other senses, thus enhancing tactile, auditory, and olfactory sensations. This focus shift can deepen the experience, heightening awareness of each touch and sound.

I had a teacher who changed the way I eat.  We had been working on deep, esoteric things.   I was on my fitness journey and only eating certain things every day.   He shifted the lessons to joy; how was I finding joy in mundane, or everyday moments?  The feel of the sun on my face, the gentle snoring of my dog, the sound of a lover’s sigh, lilacs in the spring.  “These are a good start but what about food? Where is your joy with food?”

He knew me so well.   I loved to cook, to serve, to nourish others but not myself.   Truthfully, I didn’t feel much joy around food.   I had a complicated relationship with food and it was sustainment to me, nothing else.  He challenged me to find joy, to find my senses in food. 

I started to experiment, finding foods that would keep the macro split I was working with.   Tom Ka soup was one and my favorite shope was around the corner from my apartment.  I would look forward to this moment all week.   Going into this favorite store, chatting with the owners, sitting down and the soup comes.   I smell it- divinity of spice, nourishment and love.   I taste it- spicy, hot, my sinuses open.  I can still see the tables, the photos on the wall, and my favorite soup in front of me, from the other side of the world.   

Being completely present with my soup then I was even more effective with clients that afternoon and the next few days.  The more I searched for the sensual, felt it, enjoyed it and shared it the better I was at everything. 

Bonus: The Power of Sacred Intimacy

Tantric sex isn’t just about physical pleasure—it’s about weaving and expanding sacred intimacy. This means treating each moment as a ritual, bringing full presence and reverence to your connection. When you approach sex with an open heart and deep awareness, it becomes a transformative experience that nourishes the body, mind, and spirit.

Conclusion: Embody Tantra in Your Life

The five practices outlined here are just the beginning of a transformative journey into deeper connection, intimacy, and pleasure. Tantra is a powerful tool to help you reconnect with your body, your partner, and your own sensual energy. Whether you're single or in a relationship, Tantra invites you to slow down, listen, and truly experience the magic in every moment.

Start small—breathe together, take your time, explore your gaze, sound your pleasure, and heighten your senses. The more you embody these practices, the more profound the effects will be, not just in the bedroom, but in every area of your life.

Remember, Tantra is a journey, not a destination. 

Allow yourself to explore with curiosity, patience, and joy. Trust that through this journey, you'll awaken more of your innate power, creativity, and passion, leading to richer, more fulfilling connections and a deeper, more expansive life.

The Takeaway

Tantra is about more than just technique—it’s about presence, connection, and surrendering to pleasure. By incorporating these simple practices, you can transform your intimate experiences, bringing more depth, sensitivity, and passion into your sex life.

Ready to go deeper? Book a session with Mountain Tantra and discover the full potential of your pleasure